Realization and reawakening

I have come to a realization, or two, or maybe seven.

Four years ago (give or take) several situations in my life came to a head all at once. It started with our ministry being being merged into another larger one and was followed very quickly by a personal financial crisis. Being the husband, father, leader I took responsibility for what was happening. I could give you many reasons why it was all my fault. I could probably give you just as many reasons why it was not. Four years later, give or take, the crisis continues.


One realization I came to recently is for the last four years (give or take) I have been punishing myself for the failure of the ministry and our own personal financial meltdown. I have been in a sort of self flagellation mode of not allowing myself to enjoy or spend time or money on myself that was not absolutely necessary. If I had to guess I would say this was supposed to last until I "fixed" the problems?


So here I am four years later (give or take) tired, lonely, bitter and burned out. I am now acutely aware I am not capable of "fixing" anything. The ministry is out of my hands and into younger, more flexible hands willing to endure change in a way I was not and, while we have made tremendous progress on our financial hemorrhaging, I still have not found a source of sufficient income to stay in the black.


Believe it or not this realization is good news. Because I now see it for what it is. The first step in a new journey is clear: STOP IT! Stop blaming myself, stop punishing myself, stop denying myself and above all stop the pity party. Is it time for the serenity prayer? Everybody......


"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference."

And the rest most have never heard....

"Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen."

--Reinhold Niebuhr

The second realization I have come to recently is most of the problems, pains and frustrations in my life are caused by stuff. Stuff is broken and needs repair, stuff is in want and need of maintenance, cleaning and / or storage. Stuff sits and waits for someday when I will have the time, money and opportunity to use it. Stuff I can't throw away because it might be useful someday for some project to build or fix other broken stuff. Are we seeing a pattern here? If life hands you lemons what do you do? We all know you make lemonade. What do you do when stuff is removing value from your life and you literally can not afford it? Consider Becoming Minimalist.
The second step in a new journey is: ELIMINATE EXCESS STUFF! In considering the very real possibility  we will have to move out of our house in the near future has caused me to look at all of the stuff I really don't want to pack up and move. I have begun to look at every item as I move around our home and mentally judge whether it adds or subtracts value from my life. I am ready to begin to purge. To add value to some things by eliminating others.

The third realization I have come to lately is going to have to wait. This is getting really long and I am out of time today. More later if you want it. Please leave me a comment and give me your input and insights. they really help.

For now I will leave you with this old apropos children's hymn:

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Refrain

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings. Wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be disheartened, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,

Count your blessings, see what God hath done!

Count your blessings, name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

WARNING: RAW UNFILTERED ANGST

I am sorry this is so raw. I really am. But if I am going to heal I have to be real. It will get better. Promise!


So, I'm sitting here in my spot. On the hearth of our propane fireplace that I love. Pepper and I built the surround out of 2 big Juniper trunks and I bridged it with a massive hunk of a beam from a bridge that I found on our property. It is a big old hunk of Pine. The kind of beams they made from big trees back in the old days. Not one of the new, fancy, super strong glue lams like the ones we left exposed in the living area when we built this house. But, I digress. I do that. I start off in one direction, to tell a story or teach somebody about something and in adding in a detail, or context, my mind drops into a new groove and I end up explaining or telling the story of what was supposed to just be a  tiny part of the whole. Like I am doing now. I am sitting in my spot on the hearth because the heat from our beautiful fireplace that I love heats my lower back, easing some of the ache from the old injury that brings new pain into each day of my life. That is not what I am writing about today. That is just context. I am sitting in my spot. Feeling the heat. While it is snowing outside.

It is (was) March 1st 2012 and I am (was) thinking about how it has been almost a year since I last posted on this blog. When I started it I had grand visions of writing out my heart. Working out some of my angst. Sharing some of my thoughts and hopefully, moving on to Next. Which might explain why I am sitting here in my spot, feeling the heat, while it is snowing outside feeling very stuck. Most of my thoughts are still in my head, I have not worked out my angst and I still have no idea what is Next. I didn't, or don't, want to go a whole year without writing anything at all so here I am.

 I have been talked into leading our home group. It has been a long time since I have led a group. Most of my experience leading groups have been where the group was significantly younger that I was. This one is a mixed age group spanning at least 50 years. We have, over the last year, been sharing our faith stories. Where we come from, what made us who we are, how we came to faith in Christ and how we came to be sitting in this room together, gathered in His name. This time it was my turn. I launched into it in the usual way, a little AA, a little stand-up comedic timing, too much ridiculous detail about stuff that isn't relevant to anyone but me. Trying to paint a realistic picture of who I am in too short a time around people with whom I share very little history. Just. not. possible.

So here I sit. In my spot. A week later. Still feeling very, stuck. And frustrated that my story is so.....random.

My son Joe just walked through the room in his pajamas and asked me what I was going to do today. Joe, my son Joe, the one that is so much like me that he has spent years trying to prove how different we are, has finally gained some traction and is building momentum in his life. That might be a great thing to talk about today. Momentum. Momentum and my lack of it.

This last year has been just, Surreal. It comes at the end of a 25 year (+ or -) period in which my life had momentum. I felt propelled. We were headed in a direction and it seemed as if it took very little effort. God was leading. Leading, even through some heartaches and pain. Leading always to the next step. The house, the kids, the job, the ministry. It all lined up. There was very little intention to it. Momentum just carried us there. Now, this last year seems like a train wreck. A train running off the tracks with most of its momentum carried into destruction. Cartwheeling out of control wreaking havoc on everything around it or in its path. I am sitting in the wreckage. I am part of the wreckage. My body tangled in the jagged steel, my guts ripped open, my blood spattered on the still hot boiler. I wander the scene with no idea of what to do. There are people around me who have seen the wreck. Some have been involved in wrecks of their own and could really use some help. They are encouraging and hope filled. I want to be hope filled, I want to be optimistic, but some old memory or habit or chemical imbalance seems to hold me here. All I can think to do, all I know to do in the midst of this is to love. To open my heart to the flow of love. Like a transfusion to one who is desperately in need. We all have some. We all need some. Ebb and flow, give and get, life giving, life affirming LOVE.


7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. 8 He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. 9 In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. 10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
1 John 4:7-11 (NKJV)

All progress requires change, but not all change is progress,

Things have changed. I knew they would. You can't be as totally immersed in a job, a ministry, a family as I was, for as long as I was, and then suddenly walk away without expecting change. Some of the changes have looked exactly like I thought they would. Some have been extremely difficult. Some, well to be honest, have rattled me to the core. They have forced me to examine myself more deeply than I think I ever have.

I am facing the loss of some of my "status". Being part of the Outdoor Adventure Ministry world certifications and standards are what give you credence. They make you someone or just another wanna-be. It all started back in '96 when I gained my first certification. I attended a Swiftwater Rescue Technician class with several other guys in High Cascade Adventures. Suddenly I wasn't just another river rat, I knew what I was doing and I had a patch on my vest to prove it! Over the years as I moved into full time ministry I gained more certifications to stay at least one level ahead of those I was training and leading. Next, the SRTA  Advanced Swiftwater Rescue Technician. That "A" felt huge at the time. Then a TRRT Technical Rope Rescue Technician. That was when the instructor told me that I knew as much as he did and I should be working towards getting my Instructors Certification. WOW I thought, I am becoming SOMEBODY. In order to get an Instructors Certification you are required to have an EMT-B, Emergency Medical Technician-Basic, so I took what was my most intense class I've ever had for 2 terms through the local community college and got my EMT-B. That same year I went to California and took my Instructor Course for Water and Rope. In my rush to complete the process I had not done the required recert of my TRRT and failed the Rope section. They did give me my Water Instructors Certification though and that was huge. Even if it was a provisional status that meant that I could only certify people within our ministry. I had a lot of patches and certificates, it was great. I was Somebody N OW!
 I had to have continuing Ed hours to keep my EMT current and was able to take a week long course and add a W (for Wilderness) to my EMT. Man, that felt good! I like being knowledgeable. I like being an "expert". Some of that probably comes from the fact that I am always intimidated because I barely graduated High School and never went to college. I don't have a degree at all, Not even an Associates Degree.

My WEMT-B is up for renewal again in June and I don't have the continuing ed hours I need to recert. But it doesn't matter. As I said before, things have changed. I left Discovery and they have moved on. On to different leadership and different standards. Not any better or worse, just different. Different in that the certifications that I teach are not needed,and because I am a provisional instructor, I can't certify anybody else.So if I cant be an instructor anymore then I don't need my EMT. There is no reason to work and spend money to keep it. It doesn't mean anything to anyone in my in-between jobs world. When my instructors status lapses I would have to recert each of my rescue certs in the next 2 years. Thats not going to happen so a lot of what I have worked so hard to gain will soon be lost.

So, what was this all about? What was this all for? Why did I work so hard to get what I couldn't keep and would be meaningless once I was no longer with Discovery? Let me tell you what I KNOW. Discovery was not about being an expert in the outdoors, of certifications and instructor status. Knowledge and skills were simply tools. Tools God used to gain access to peoples lives. The access of Discovery was for the purpose of expressing LOVE in and through the people gathered through the means.
This is the realization of an idea, a theme, a thread that runs through my life. Love has been the story line and God is the author. This has been just another step in the journey. I am now left left to search for whats NEXT. Whether here or there, it matters not. It is all about how He wants to use me, shape me, make me more fully ME loving HIM.

Penny's from heaven

Actually, it's more like Dollars from heaven.

Once again I am amazed. God continues to baffle and people, astound me. I truly am an Eeyore. At least I am now. I don't think I have always been an Eeyore. You remember Eeyore, the Donkey in A.A. Milne's Winnie the Pooh series, which if you look at as an adult, is a study of personality types. Eeyore is a pessimist. When greeted with a pleasant "Good morning Eeyore"  he would reply "Good morning, if it is a good morning, which I doubt". I did a little research while writing this blog and ran across an Eeyore quote that perfectly describes how I have though about myself.

Eeyore, the old grey Donkey, stood by the side of the stream, and looked at himself in the water. 
"Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic." 
He turned and walked slowly down the stream for twenty yards, splashed across it, and walked slowly back on the other side. Then he looked at himself in the water again. 
"As I thought," he said. "No better from this side. But nobody minds. Nobody cares. Pathetic, that's what it is."
Winnie the Pooh

Pathetic. That is how I have felt. If you have read the previous post then you understand a little bit about my "man behind the curtain" if you will. I don't think I have always been this way. When I look back at my younger years I think I was more of a Tigger. Do you remember Tigger? ( If not, I am sure you will now have to go back and reread, or perhaps read for the first time, Winnie the Pooh.) Tigger is an eternal optimist. Convinced that he is smart, interesting and loved by all. The problem was that not everyone appreciated his optimistic, enthusiastic approach to everything. So the other characters decide to "un-bounce" Tigger.

 Piglet puts us out of our misery by saying that what they are trying to do is make Tigger less bouncy, and Pooh finally understands.Rabbit says that what they should do is take Tigger on a long walk to somewhere where he won't know where he is, and then leave him there, and when they go back to find him the next morning he will have learnt his lesson and been unbounced. Pooh wants to know how he will have learnt his lesson, and Rabbit says it will be because he will be humbled, and sad, and he will have changed from a Very Bouncy Tigger into a Melancholy Tigger. So, the plan is in place, and they decide to put it into practice tomorrow morning. Tomorrow turns out to be a bit of a misty and cold day and Piglet is worrying about Tigger being left out alone in all of this weather. When they get to Rabbit's house though Rabbit says that it is the perfect day for unbouncing Tiggers.

All head off into the misty day. At one point Pooh and Piglet and Rabbit all walk together, and Tigger runs rings around them, and then Pooh and Rabbit and Piglet walk one after the other, and Tigger runs oblongs around them, and then Tigger runs back and forth in front of them, bouncing into Rabbit at intervals.The mist gets thicker and thicker as they walk, and Tigger keeps disappearing into the mist and then reappearing out of it. Rabbit decides that the time has come to put their plan into action, and so he says "Now!", and the animals all jump down into a hollow by the side of the path and hide in the undergrowth, listening.

And there's silence...and then a pattering noise...and then silence.Tigger doesn't understand what is happening, and he goes off in another direction to try to find the others.

Not that anyone did anything intentional. I think I just got a little too serious. I got worn down trying to do and be everything everybody said I should do and be. The point is I slowly changed from being a Tigger into being an Eeyore.

The Eeyore in me was sure that as soon as I walked away from Discovery we would crash and burn and the world would come to an end. Funny thing though. It hasn't. God has supplied us what we need. Our amazing supporters, with no prompting from me. In fact, I would say that I have, if anything, discouraged them. Many of them, as soon as they could no longer send in support through Canby Grove and get their tax deduction, began to send money directly to us with encouraging notes about how faithful we have been and how they want to help us in our transition to whatever is next. I am humbled, baffled, AMAZED that others are saying about me EXACTLY what God has said. Weird huh?

Maybe what God has said is true. Maybe I should listen to the words of one of my own sermons and ask myself who I THINK I am versus who GOD says I am. Maybe I should go back to being a Tigger.


Pooh, Piglet and Rabbit get lost in the forest while trying to lose Tigger and end up walking in circles. Tigger goes home and enjoys a very pleasant afternoon except that he is worried about his friends. All but rabbit are found wandering by Christopher Robin. So Pooh, Piglet and Christopher Robin go to Pooh's house for a little something. And while they are having their something, Tigger is out in the forest looking for poor old Rabbit, who is now a Small and Sorry Rabbit. And when poor Rabbit hears Tigger's yapping he rushes towards him, and he is so thrilled to see him that he sees all of a sudden that Tigger in fact bounces in just the way that a Helpful, Rescuing Tigger ought to bounce. 


Tiggers you see, are Faithful, Fruitful & Fulfilled.

I will leave you today with the words of Tiggers Song. Or if you would like, you can hear him sing it himself here.

The wonderful thing about tiggers
Is tiggers are wonderful things!
Their tops are made out of rubber;
Their bottoms are made out of springs!
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy,
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
But the most wonderful thing about tiggers is
I'm the only one!

Oh the wonderful thing about tiggers
Is tiggers are wonderful chaps!
They're loaded with vim and with vigor;
They love to leap in your laps!
They're jumpy, bumpy, clumpy, thumpy,
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
But the most wonderful thing about tiggers is
I'm the only one!

Tiggers are cuddly fellas.
Tiggers are awfully sweet.
Ev'ryone else is jealous.
That's why I repeat and repeat:

The wonderful thing about tiggers
Is tiggers are wonderful things!
Their tops are made out of rubber;
Their bottoms are made out of springs!
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy,
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
But the most wonderful thing about tiggers is
I'm the only one!

An explanation

I think I should start by explaining the title, Faithful, Fruitful & Fulfilled.

I have baggage. We all do. We all have scars and triumphs that we have gained through our experiences. I seem to be very forgetful when it comes to any positive memories. On the other hand I can tell you every mistake I have ever made in my life. I grew up in an era when kids were expected to sit in a classroom with their back straight, both feet flat on the floor and learn perfect penmanship and their times tables. I did not fair well in the system because I could not sit still or learn my times tables. Now I know that I was , or am, ADD and Dyslexic. At the time I was told I was just stupid, lazy and undisciplined. I still have the scars to prove it.

When left to myself. When I am alone or just contemplating things, my thoughts, my inner voice has a default setting. My default setting, the words I hear in my head, are failure, fearful and frustrated. I failed at school. I failed at becoming a productive, successful adult. I failed at being a husband (as defined by all those sermons) and I have failed at being a father. I know what you are saying if you know me at all, “but look at all of the good things, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH”. YOU see them. I don’t. I see all my failures lined up on display to make sure I never forget. I also see my fears. I have failed at so many things so many times that the thing I fear most is FAILURE. So I don’t even try. I am afraid. I am afraid to add one more failure to the list. Sometimes, by not trying, I inadvertently add failure anyway but somehow that doesn’t seem to occur to me at the time. I just feel afraid. Which frustrates me to no end. I am frustrated about all of the things I have screwed up. I am frustrated about all of the things I have never tried because I was afraid. I am frustrated by the success of seemingly everybody but me. This is what I hear in those moments. This is what reverberates in my head. Failure. Fearful. Frustrated.

Last Summer at the mid-summer staff retreat for the program staff (camp staff and Discovery staff) Meredith led a devotional time during which we were instructed to take some solo time and listen to what God was saying to us. I was already in a melancholy mood knowing that Canby Grove would be closing at the end of the summer and I had already made the decision to just let Discovery go. I decided to take a bike ride and try and clear my head to listen to what God had to say. As soon as I was alone the never-ending mocking voice began to remind me of my failure, of my fears and to give me any number of reasons to be frustrated. After all, look at what was going to happen to the ministry I had given so many years of my life to. Of course it was all my fault. All of a sudden the still small voice of God broke through. “Stop the lies! Stop listening to the liar and listen to what I have to say.” He then began to walk me through where I had been  and the lies I believed about myself and told me I needed to change those words that I used to describe myself. He said I need to start changing my perspective to believe that I have been faithful, my ministry has been fruitful and that while I may be frustrated now, He would show me that I could be fulfilled.

I won’t try to tell you that everything changed in that moment. I won’t tell you that I don’t still have bad days. For the first month after I left Discovery I literally wrote “FFF” on the back of my hand with a Sharpie to remind myself of what God had said. I will tell you that I do see some hope. I do feel a little lighter. I don’t think that anything is quite as bad as I remember it, or think it will be. So now I want to ask you a question. What is your default setting? What are the words that you tell yourself in those quiet moments? Take some time and ask God what He thinks about you. You might be surprised at what you hear.