An explanation

I think I should start by explaining the title, Faithful, Fruitful & Fulfilled.

I have baggage. We all do. We all have scars and triumphs that we have gained through our experiences. I seem to be very forgetful when it comes to any positive memories. On the other hand I can tell you every mistake I have ever made in my life. I grew up in an era when kids were expected to sit in a classroom with their back straight, both feet flat on the floor and learn perfect penmanship and their times tables. I did not fair well in the system because I could not sit still or learn my times tables. Now I know that I was , or am, ADD and Dyslexic. At the time I was told I was just stupid, lazy and undisciplined. I still have the scars to prove it.

When left to myself. When I am alone or just contemplating things, my thoughts, my inner voice has a default setting. My default setting, the words I hear in my head, are failure, fearful and frustrated. I failed at school. I failed at becoming a productive, successful adult. I failed at being a husband (as defined by all those sermons) and I have failed at being a father. I know what you are saying if you know me at all, “but look at all of the good things, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH”. YOU see them. I don’t. I see all my failures lined up on display to make sure I never forget. I also see my fears. I have failed at so many things so many times that the thing I fear most is FAILURE. So I don’t even try. I am afraid. I am afraid to add one more failure to the list. Sometimes, by not trying, I inadvertently add failure anyway but somehow that doesn’t seem to occur to me at the time. I just feel afraid. Which frustrates me to no end. I am frustrated about all of the things I have screwed up. I am frustrated about all of the things I have never tried because I was afraid. I am frustrated by the success of seemingly everybody but me. This is what I hear in those moments. This is what reverberates in my head. Failure. Fearful. Frustrated.

Last Summer at the mid-summer staff retreat for the program staff (camp staff and Discovery staff) Meredith led a devotional time during which we were instructed to take some solo time and listen to what God was saying to us. I was already in a melancholy mood knowing that Canby Grove would be closing at the end of the summer and I had already made the decision to just let Discovery go. I decided to take a bike ride and try and clear my head to listen to what God had to say. As soon as I was alone the never-ending mocking voice began to remind me of my failure, of my fears and to give me any number of reasons to be frustrated. After all, look at what was going to happen to the ministry I had given so many years of my life to. Of course it was all my fault. All of a sudden the still small voice of God broke through. “Stop the lies! Stop listening to the liar and listen to what I have to say.” He then began to walk me through where I had been  and the lies I believed about myself and told me I needed to change those words that I used to describe myself. He said I need to start changing my perspective to believe that I have been faithful, my ministry has been fruitful and that while I may be frustrated now, He would show me that I could be fulfilled.

I won’t try to tell you that everything changed in that moment. I won’t tell you that I don’t still have bad days. For the first month after I left Discovery I literally wrote “FFF” on the back of my hand with a Sharpie to remind myself of what God had said. I will tell you that I do see some hope. I do feel a little lighter. I don’t think that anything is quite as bad as I remember it, or think it will be. So now I want to ask you a question. What is your default setting? What are the words that you tell yourself in those quiet moments? Take some time and ask God what He thinks about you. You might be surprised at what you hear.