Penny's from heaven

Actually, it's more like Dollars from heaven.

Once again I am amazed. God continues to baffle and people, astound me. I truly am an Eeyore. At least I am now. I don't think I have always been an Eeyore. You remember Eeyore, the Donkey in A.A. Milne's Winnie the Pooh series, which if you look at as an adult, is a study of personality types. Eeyore is a pessimist. When greeted with a pleasant "Good morning Eeyore"  he would reply "Good morning, if it is a good morning, which I doubt". I did a little research while writing this blog and ran across an Eeyore quote that perfectly describes how I have though about myself.

Eeyore, the old grey Donkey, stood by the side of the stream, and looked at himself in the water. 
"Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic." 
He turned and walked slowly down the stream for twenty yards, splashed across it, and walked slowly back on the other side. Then he looked at himself in the water again. 
"As I thought," he said. "No better from this side. But nobody minds. Nobody cares. Pathetic, that's what it is."
Winnie the Pooh

Pathetic. That is how I have felt. If you have read the previous post then you understand a little bit about my "man behind the curtain" if you will. I don't think I have always been this way. When I look back at my younger years I think I was more of a Tigger. Do you remember Tigger? ( If not, I am sure you will now have to go back and reread, or perhaps read for the first time, Winnie the Pooh.) Tigger is an eternal optimist. Convinced that he is smart, interesting and loved by all. The problem was that not everyone appreciated his optimistic, enthusiastic approach to everything. So the other characters decide to "un-bounce" Tigger.

 Piglet puts us out of our misery by saying that what they are trying to do is make Tigger less bouncy, and Pooh finally understands.Rabbit says that what they should do is take Tigger on a long walk to somewhere where he won't know where he is, and then leave him there, and when they go back to find him the next morning he will have learnt his lesson and been unbounced. Pooh wants to know how he will have learnt his lesson, and Rabbit says it will be because he will be humbled, and sad, and he will have changed from a Very Bouncy Tigger into a Melancholy Tigger. So, the plan is in place, and they decide to put it into practice tomorrow morning. Tomorrow turns out to be a bit of a misty and cold day and Piglet is worrying about Tigger being left out alone in all of this weather. When they get to Rabbit's house though Rabbit says that it is the perfect day for unbouncing Tiggers.

All head off into the misty day. At one point Pooh and Piglet and Rabbit all walk together, and Tigger runs rings around them, and then Pooh and Rabbit and Piglet walk one after the other, and Tigger runs oblongs around them, and then Tigger runs back and forth in front of them, bouncing into Rabbit at intervals.The mist gets thicker and thicker as they walk, and Tigger keeps disappearing into the mist and then reappearing out of it. Rabbit decides that the time has come to put their plan into action, and so he says "Now!", and the animals all jump down into a hollow by the side of the path and hide in the undergrowth, listening.

And there's silence...and then a pattering noise...and then silence.Tigger doesn't understand what is happening, and he goes off in another direction to try to find the others.

Not that anyone did anything intentional. I think I just got a little too serious. I got worn down trying to do and be everything everybody said I should do and be. The point is I slowly changed from being a Tigger into being an Eeyore.

The Eeyore in me was sure that as soon as I walked away from Discovery we would crash and burn and the world would come to an end. Funny thing though. It hasn't. God has supplied us what we need. Our amazing supporters, with no prompting from me. In fact, I would say that I have, if anything, discouraged them. Many of them, as soon as they could no longer send in support through Canby Grove and get their tax deduction, began to send money directly to us with encouraging notes about how faithful we have been and how they want to help us in our transition to whatever is next. I am humbled, baffled, AMAZED that others are saying about me EXACTLY what God has said. Weird huh?

Maybe what God has said is true. Maybe I should listen to the words of one of my own sermons and ask myself who I THINK I am versus who GOD says I am. Maybe I should go back to being a Tigger.


Pooh, Piglet and Rabbit get lost in the forest while trying to lose Tigger and end up walking in circles. Tigger goes home and enjoys a very pleasant afternoon except that he is worried about his friends. All but rabbit are found wandering by Christopher Robin. So Pooh, Piglet and Christopher Robin go to Pooh's house for a little something. And while they are having their something, Tigger is out in the forest looking for poor old Rabbit, who is now a Small and Sorry Rabbit. And when poor Rabbit hears Tigger's yapping he rushes towards him, and he is so thrilled to see him that he sees all of a sudden that Tigger in fact bounces in just the way that a Helpful, Rescuing Tigger ought to bounce. 


Tiggers you see, are Faithful, Fruitful & Fulfilled.

I will leave you today with the words of Tiggers Song. Or if you would like, you can hear him sing it himself here.

The wonderful thing about tiggers
Is tiggers are wonderful things!
Their tops are made out of rubber;
Their bottoms are made out of springs!
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy,
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
But the most wonderful thing about tiggers is
I'm the only one!

Oh the wonderful thing about tiggers
Is tiggers are wonderful chaps!
They're loaded with vim and with vigor;
They love to leap in your laps!
They're jumpy, bumpy, clumpy, thumpy,
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
But the most wonderful thing about tiggers is
I'm the only one!

Tiggers are cuddly fellas.
Tiggers are awfully sweet.
Ev'ryone else is jealous.
That's why I repeat and repeat:

The wonderful thing about tiggers
Is tiggers are wonderful things!
Their tops are made out of rubber;
Their bottoms are made out of springs!
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy,
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
But the most wonderful thing about tiggers is
I'm the only one!

An explanation

I think I should start by explaining the title, Faithful, Fruitful & Fulfilled.

I have baggage. We all do. We all have scars and triumphs that we have gained through our experiences. I seem to be very forgetful when it comes to any positive memories. On the other hand I can tell you every mistake I have ever made in my life. I grew up in an era when kids were expected to sit in a classroom with their back straight, both feet flat on the floor and learn perfect penmanship and their times tables. I did not fair well in the system because I could not sit still or learn my times tables. Now I know that I was , or am, ADD and Dyslexic. At the time I was told I was just stupid, lazy and undisciplined. I still have the scars to prove it.

When left to myself. When I am alone or just contemplating things, my thoughts, my inner voice has a default setting. My default setting, the words I hear in my head, are failure, fearful and frustrated. I failed at school. I failed at becoming a productive, successful adult. I failed at being a husband (as defined by all those sermons) and I have failed at being a father. I know what you are saying if you know me at all, “but look at all of the good things, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH”. YOU see them. I don’t. I see all my failures lined up on display to make sure I never forget. I also see my fears. I have failed at so many things so many times that the thing I fear most is FAILURE. So I don’t even try. I am afraid. I am afraid to add one more failure to the list. Sometimes, by not trying, I inadvertently add failure anyway but somehow that doesn’t seem to occur to me at the time. I just feel afraid. Which frustrates me to no end. I am frustrated about all of the things I have screwed up. I am frustrated about all of the things I have never tried because I was afraid. I am frustrated by the success of seemingly everybody but me. This is what I hear in those moments. This is what reverberates in my head. Failure. Fearful. Frustrated.

Last Summer at the mid-summer staff retreat for the program staff (camp staff and Discovery staff) Meredith led a devotional time during which we were instructed to take some solo time and listen to what God was saying to us. I was already in a melancholy mood knowing that Canby Grove would be closing at the end of the summer and I had already made the decision to just let Discovery go. I decided to take a bike ride and try and clear my head to listen to what God had to say. As soon as I was alone the never-ending mocking voice began to remind me of my failure, of my fears and to give me any number of reasons to be frustrated. After all, look at what was going to happen to the ministry I had given so many years of my life to. Of course it was all my fault. All of a sudden the still small voice of God broke through. “Stop the lies! Stop listening to the liar and listen to what I have to say.” He then began to walk me through where I had been  and the lies I believed about myself and told me I needed to change those words that I used to describe myself. He said I need to start changing my perspective to believe that I have been faithful, my ministry has been fruitful and that while I may be frustrated now, He would show me that I could be fulfilled.

I won’t try to tell you that everything changed in that moment. I won’t tell you that I don’t still have bad days. For the first month after I left Discovery I literally wrote “FFF” on the back of my hand with a Sharpie to remind myself of what God had said. I will tell you that I do see some hope. I do feel a little lighter. I don’t think that anything is quite as bad as I remember it, or think it will be. So now I want to ask you a question. What is your default setting? What are the words that you tell yourself in those quiet moments? Take some time and ask God what He thinks about you. You might be surprised at what you hear.