Realization and reawakening

I have come to a realization, or two, or maybe seven.

Four years ago (give or take) several situations in my life came to a head all at once. It started with our ministry being being merged into another larger one and was followed very quickly by a personal financial crisis. Being the husband, father, leader I took responsibility for what was happening. I could give you many reasons why it was all my fault. I could probably give you just as many reasons why it was not. Four years later, give or take, the crisis continues.


One realization I came to recently is for the last four years (give or take) I have been punishing myself for the failure of the ministry and our own personal financial meltdown. I have been in a sort of self flagellation mode of not allowing myself to enjoy or spend time or money on myself that was not absolutely necessary. If I had to guess I would say this was supposed to last until I "fixed" the problems?


So here I am four years later (give or take) tired, lonely, bitter and burned out. I am now acutely aware I am not capable of "fixing" anything. The ministry is out of my hands and into younger, more flexible hands willing to endure change in a way I was not and, while we have made tremendous progress on our financial hemorrhaging, I still have not found a source of sufficient income to stay in the black.


Believe it or not this realization is good news. Because I now see it for what it is. The first step in a new journey is clear: STOP IT! Stop blaming myself, stop punishing myself, stop denying myself and above all stop the pity party. Is it time for the serenity prayer? Everybody......


"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference."

And the rest most have never heard....

"Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen."

--Reinhold Niebuhr

The second realization I have come to recently is most of the problems, pains and frustrations in my life are caused by stuff. Stuff is broken and needs repair, stuff is in want and need of maintenance, cleaning and / or storage. Stuff sits and waits for someday when I will have the time, money and opportunity to use it. Stuff I can't throw away because it might be useful someday for some project to build or fix other broken stuff. Are we seeing a pattern here? If life hands you lemons what do you do? We all know you make lemonade. What do you do when stuff is removing value from your life and you literally can not afford it? Consider Becoming Minimalist.
The second step in a new journey is: ELIMINATE EXCESS STUFF! In considering the very real possibility  we will have to move out of our house in the near future has caused me to look at all of the stuff I really don't want to pack up and move. I have begun to look at every item as I move around our home and mentally judge whether it adds or subtracts value from my life. I am ready to begin to purge. To add value to some things by eliminating others.

The third realization I have come to lately is going to have to wait. This is getting really long and I am out of time today. More later if you want it. Please leave me a comment and give me your input and insights. they really help.

For now I will leave you with this old apropos children's hymn:

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Refrain

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings. Wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be disheartened, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,

Count your blessings, see what God hath done!

Count your blessings, name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

WARNING: RAW UNFILTERED ANGST

I am sorry this is so raw. I really am. But if I am going to heal I have to be real. It will get better. Promise!


So, I'm sitting here in my spot. On the hearth of our propane fireplace that I love. Pepper and I built the surround out of 2 big Juniper trunks and I bridged it with a massive hunk of a beam from a bridge that I found on our property. It is a big old hunk of Pine. The kind of beams they made from big trees back in the old days. Not one of the new, fancy, super strong glue lams like the ones we left exposed in the living area when we built this house. But, I digress. I do that. I start off in one direction, to tell a story or teach somebody about something and in adding in a detail, or context, my mind drops into a new groove and I end up explaining or telling the story of what was supposed to just be a  tiny part of the whole. Like I am doing now. I am sitting in my spot on the hearth because the heat from our beautiful fireplace that I love heats my lower back, easing some of the ache from the old injury that brings new pain into each day of my life. That is not what I am writing about today. That is just context. I am sitting in my spot. Feeling the heat. While it is snowing outside.

It is (was) March 1st 2012 and I am (was) thinking about how it has been almost a year since I last posted on this blog. When I started it I had grand visions of writing out my heart. Working out some of my angst. Sharing some of my thoughts and hopefully, moving on to Next. Which might explain why I am sitting here in my spot, feeling the heat, while it is snowing outside feeling very stuck. Most of my thoughts are still in my head, I have not worked out my angst and I still have no idea what is Next. I didn't, or don't, want to go a whole year without writing anything at all so here I am.

 I have been talked into leading our home group. It has been a long time since I have led a group. Most of my experience leading groups have been where the group was significantly younger that I was. This one is a mixed age group spanning at least 50 years. We have, over the last year, been sharing our faith stories. Where we come from, what made us who we are, how we came to faith in Christ and how we came to be sitting in this room together, gathered in His name. This time it was my turn. I launched into it in the usual way, a little AA, a little stand-up comedic timing, too much ridiculous detail about stuff that isn't relevant to anyone but me. Trying to paint a realistic picture of who I am in too short a time around people with whom I share very little history. Just. not. possible.

So here I sit. In my spot. A week later. Still feeling very, stuck. And frustrated that my story is so.....random.

My son Joe just walked through the room in his pajamas and asked me what I was going to do today. Joe, my son Joe, the one that is so much like me that he has spent years trying to prove how different we are, has finally gained some traction and is building momentum in his life. That might be a great thing to talk about today. Momentum. Momentum and my lack of it.

This last year has been just, Surreal. It comes at the end of a 25 year (+ or -) period in which my life had momentum. I felt propelled. We were headed in a direction and it seemed as if it took very little effort. God was leading. Leading, even through some heartaches and pain. Leading always to the next step. The house, the kids, the job, the ministry. It all lined up. There was very little intention to it. Momentum just carried us there. Now, this last year seems like a train wreck. A train running off the tracks with most of its momentum carried into destruction. Cartwheeling out of control wreaking havoc on everything around it or in its path. I am sitting in the wreckage. I am part of the wreckage. My body tangled in the jagged steel, my guts ripped open, my blood spattered on the still hot boiler. I wander the scene with no idea of what to do. There are people around me who have seen the wreck. Some have been involved in wrecks of their own and could really use some help. They are encouraging and hope filled. I want to be hope filled, I want to be optimistic, but some old memory or habit or chemical imbalance seems to hold me here. All I can think to do, all I know to do in the midst of this is to love. To open my heart to the flow of love. Like a transfusion to one who is desperately in need. We all have some. We all need some. Ebb and flow, give and get, life giving, life affirming LOVE.


7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. 8 He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. 9 In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. 10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
1 John 4:7-11 (NKJV)